Where it all happens

Where does it all happens?
Does it matters?
What has happened?
Is it important?
Knowing more means knowing less?
Being aware or beware?
Do I really want to know?
Escape brings anxiety.
Beliefs brings anxiety.
Anticipation, the future brings anxiety.
Knowing, dealing, working, being, becoming, ending.
Do we always have to be?
No one expects even if they do it shouldn't bother you. You know who you are not who you should be.
Be aquaint with yourself and accept and appreciate who you are and who you can be.
Living in the moment, what does it all mean. Simply put where suffering exist it ceasee at the very moment. The eternal need to exist lies in the desire of becoming, what's next, what's to come. Can I have some more? Will it be the same? Our thoughts frozen in the past. Leading us to form impressions and ideas of what has to be what needs to be what ought to be. If not thus one would suffer. Unplesantness of not getting what one desire. Attached to the sensual world, we choose to exist again not knowing the reality of matters. Not knowing that what these sensual experiences we experience is impermanent. Not knowing that what is impermanent is unsatisfactory, hence leading to craving and suffering. This suffering is not self as they are no more but the outcome of the contact, feelings, perceptions, formations and consious awareness. They exist only temporarily, made permanent by rumination of the mind, clinging, craving, continuing in the streams of consciousness. Hence what is the escape? It is nothing but to experience reality as it is. It is to see things beyond what is determined by our world as we understand it. We cannot experience this by means of our normal understanding and actions but we need to go beyond our sense doors and perceive reality as it is. The door is perhaps meditation. Be patient. A little faith is needed and of course persistence. Effects do not come if the causes are not present. When the conditions are right, the effects will arise.

Fear

Where is our fear? Why am i so concern about what others think of me? I feed on the attention of others. Attention tells me who i am. I am not sure who i am. i obtain my identify through pleasing others. when i no longer live up to the expectation of others, i'll retreat. I'll run away. I am afraid to fail. I define myself through my successes. Fortitude and good fortune. I doubt my abilities. I AM USELESS. I am helpless. I don't think I am great or Have I done anything that is commendable. All I did was what others want me to do. I really have no goals in life no direction.

However, the reality of matter is that this is part of human existence. Pride. Shame. Gain.  Lost.  Shifting between states brings about suffering. Not reaching, not attaining, not doing. Action outcome. Interactions. Results fruitation effects desires craving attachment.  Lost. Stagnant. Drifter. Aimless. Pointless. Useless. Not moving. Not trying. Not driven. Aware of consequences. Aware of importance. Waiting to fail. Too comfortable. Need to wake up. Need to see the importance. Relevance. Impact. Consequences. Running not going to help. Waiting for things to happen. Not making things happen. What's to come? Is it today? is it now? what drives you? What do you want?

Living a illusionary life

Have been thinking how life has been so illusionary. How this life is not been one that I hold true and genuine. I live my life with little or no direction. All I was doing is doing what others wants me to.  Pleasing others. That was my belief. Making others like me makes me who I am. I want to be liked. That is what I am. I want to be the centre of attention. I desired to be be acknowledged as a 'good person. A 'good' boy. In reality, that is how I survive. I have no directions. I do not know what I want. Who am I really? I am at a loss now. No one telling me what to do and where to go? I am selfish. I feed my ego. I think about my welfare. I don't really think about others. Rather I am more concern about what others think of me. Feeding my ego. I want to be good, look good, do good. Is that really what I want to do? Deep within me, I feel useless,  worthless and not deserving of love. What do I really want? Is psychology really my choice? It was what I've chosen. I went into teaching. I wanted to change the education system. I felt that more can be done to the education system. That is why I wanted to do educational psychology. That was my belief at that time. I wanted to be in the ministry to make changes to the whole system. What issues did I have with the system at that time? I really can't remember. I am sure I was dissatisfied. I felt that it didn't develop our interest. It didn't support our passion. Fixated. I wanted to help. Is this really what I want to do? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? I am not sure. I am not sure. I am not sure. I want to live life as who I am. Not a people pleaser. Just be a person with my own thoughts and opinions. Not manipulated by others. I am sick and tired of this life always checking always pleasing. I want to be guided by my principles and beliefs. What are my principles and beliefs? Not sure. I am upset when I overeat. I have lost control. Then I eat some more. Hoping to find some solace in food. But only to feel bad and in turn affect those around me, my wife, my children. Unfortunately, I am weak. I feed on others weakness. I feel weak in other's strength and goodness. I feel inferior, unworthy. I use my emotions swings to escape from work. I escape from work and dealing with things because I am afraid that I wouldn't do well. My underlying belief is that I am no good. I am inferior. I am a child. I cannot handle things. I am immature. I lack security. I am afraid. I get jealous. I get upset. I dominate. Because I am insecure. I am not worthy. I am not good. I am useless. I need to accept. Mindful. Breathing. Aware. it's time to give up my current life and relive my life afresh. I need to be guided my  principles and beliefs. My belief is that I am not as smart as others as such I need to work harder. Do more.

Nothing interest me

Tired. Nothing really interest me. Not wanting to complete my dissertation. Not wanting to prepare for work. Don't want to work. Don't want to do anything. Wasted. No drive. No interest. Nothing. Life draws to a blank. No purpose. No matter how precious life is. No matter how rare this opportunity is. I'm again at a lost. Not sure why I'm feeling this way but how it goes. Just lost the meaning and drive to life. Somehow, with that I realise how it must have been for peopl who too lost that meaning and direction in life. All their life they pursue one thing after another. They maintain and take care of the responsibilities that they have only to realise that that too will pass. Every fleeting moment continues whatever it is that you do. Lost. Lost the sense of purpose. No direction, no way, no light at the end of the tunnel. Really. Don't care. I'm not in touch with reality. Wasting.. wasting... wasted. U turn. Now.

What am I to do. Fullfil your responsibilities. This is the time to prepare for what is to come. This is the time to get ready for the next leg of your life. This is the time to accumulate and to strength the practise. Maybe the purpose is lost but the emptiness can still be filled with new purpose. To give one's life to the triple jem. To devote one's life to the practice. I take refuge in the buddha, the dharma and the sangha. I take refuge in my guru who's compassion is unparalleled to anyone. My guru who devoted his life to helping countless sentient being to escape from samsara in the three time. Bodhichita. How. Schedule. Goal setting. Realignment. What is your mission in life? Something to think about again. Relive. Revive. Challenges lies ahead of me but I can overcome it. With the right attitude. With the right motivation. It really doesn't matter what is the end but somehow getting there eventually.

Well, ready, set go. 

The missing link

Tiredness is what I'm  feeling. What is the cause of this fatigue? Is it laziness or a lack of direction in life. There are many things that needs to be done. There are many things that can be done but then again why is it that I just don't feel like doing anything. Often distracted by things of less importance. Nitty gritties fill my precious human life. Thinking that I have done so much only to realise that they are no more than chores. Like a headless chicken running around, not knowing what to do but only to wait for the life to be exhausted. I guess doing something is often better than not doing anything at all. Lying there, after lunch, with eyes glued to the screen. Tired...tired... tired... am I really? Or is it laziness. Thinking that I can do it later. Still have time. Don't worry. It's a struggle. Still is a struggle. Struggling. Reflect, reflect, reflect... precious human life, limited, uncertain, definite. One chance. NOW. there is space. do what is right. what is necessary. what is important. a job. gives meaning. gives purpose. but in the end, it's the end. unless you make sense of it. survival. purpose. to serve. others. with compassion. only one chance. is it now or just a dream. too idealistic. maybe just start. never really important. take the walk. make sense. make my life make sense. connect. link. perhaps. maybe. possible. fear. lonliness. mediate. connection. universe. one. same. suffering. end of suffering. end of life. cycle. striving. walk the path. morality. concentration. wisdom. what is? who cares. labels. breathe. mindful. disintegrate. slowly. realising. the truth. mediate on the path. I do not fear death. I fear not living. I am. I am not. Not I.  

Children - what they have taught me about myself

When our children first  enter our lives, we were happy and looked forward to their arrival. Excited to see the product of our creation, a new lease of life and a new addition to the family. We would buy things and prepare ourselves by reading books, buying baby accessories, thinking about how to mange the child etc. Every scan, every visit to the doctor was one of awe and intrigue. Even the day of delivery was one of uncertainty.

I have learnt a lot about myself over time. How much we are willing to do for our child. Cleaning up after them, making sure that they are well taken care of and so on. But in the process i have realised how the experience as a father has changed me, not to be more patient, not to be more tolerant of mistake, not to be more caring and paying more attention to details but rather it had made me into a monster. I have hit my children, i have scolded them, i have vent my anger and frustration on them, not always but at times. I realised that my fuse has become shorter, i can tolerate less mistakes and nonsense. In reality, that is not so. But rather, that could have always been my nature that i so conveniently overlooked. It was only through this experience as a father that i have realised what kind of a person i am. I have always been behind a facade, trying always to please others and trying to be nice and kind to everyone but in reality i am a selfish individual who does thing to feed my ego and image. This experience as a father has revealed to me the real me. The person whom i am. The person who is really more concern about himself than others. That is probably why  i am always so impatient with my children. I don't have to please them, i don't have to put up a front, i dominate. The reality of matter is that, i am doing what i am suppose to do. I am not doing what i want to do. Often, we live by the expectation of others and sometimes the expectations that have been put forth onto us consciously or unconsciously. Societal comparison, familial expecatation and comparison, all drives our behaviour. What is important, i guess, is to understand the true nature of being, in humanity, that is, firstly, people want to be loved, secondly, they want to be recognised, thirdly, they do not want to suffer either physical or mentally, and finally, they want to have peace. As a father, i shouldn't be doing or acting to please another but rather to really think about how my action can help my child to develop self-confidence, to have self-assurance, to feel the love in the family, to be ready to deal with life as a responsible individual striving not just for survivor but also to be compassionate towards others. Perhaps these too are expectations but they are really something that can help them to lead life meaningfully and not blindly.

I somehow must learn to be more mindful and remind myself constantly to develop the true love for another but not be driven by roles and expectation. I must learn to empathize not just with others but even my children and close ones. I must learn to love and to feel for another not because I need to but rather I want to. Maybe, I have not been the best father but it certainly reminded me that I am just a human striving to make sense of my existence. Maybe we don't need any grandiose ideas or any expectation and create more labels along the way but rather to just be a practitioner on the path and exerting the effort to practise to be mindful, to love, to empathize, to share the joy of others as they experience them. That is all.

Can I really love another? Or I really only love myself? I am not sure but I am determine to find out. Anyway, is it really that important?

At peace with the self

How can I be at peace with myself? Burdened by the past and worried about the future. Worried about the potential lost? A lost of control?  A lost of self confidence? I do not feel competent no more. Helpless. What was it? Is it failing to be good at my job? Is it about losing my first love? Is it a combination of factor? Have I really failed? Have I made all the bad decisions?

I want to be at peace with myself. I want to accept the situation that I am in. I must accept my failures. I must accept my strengths. I must accept my fears. I may not overcome all my fears but I can recognise their existence. I know my strength and I will use it to help me find peace. I might have failed but I know my failures do not define who I am, but rather they are what I have done. They are outcomes, driven by actions, given the conditions. They are not me. Success is not me, just like failures. Why then do success make me happy and failures upset me if they are not me. Be Contented with what I have and Appreciate them.

Actions beats inactions. Actions results in outcomes. Inactions results in outcomes. But the outcomes are different. Remember - Morality, Mindfulness, Concentration, impermenant, unsatisfactorily, not self.

It doesn't matter if the outcomes are not what I expect. At least I have taken a step. I have progressed. No need to think too much about what has not happened. Live in the moment. Contentment, appreciation, understanading. Detactment, non-judgemental, acceptance. Follow the breath, like a spider that moves back to the centre of his web. Practise NOW. Settle your mind. Be at peace with yourself. You do not have to be this or that. You just be. It is you. Just be.