Have been thinking how life has been so illusionary. How this life is not been one that I hold true and genuine. I live my life with little or no direction. All I was doing is doing what others wants me to. Pleasing others. That was my belief. Making others like me makes me who I am. I want to be liked. That is what I am. I want to be the centre of attention. I desired to be be acknowledged as a 'good person. A 'good' boy. In reality, that is how I survive. I have no directions. I do not know what I want. Who am I really? I am at a loss now. No one telling me what to do and where to go? I am selfish. I feed my ego. I think about my welfare. I don't really think about others. Rather I am more concern about what others think of me. Feeding my ego. I want to be good, look good, do good. Is that really what I want to do? Deep within me, I feel useless, worthless and not deserving of love. What do I really want? Is psychology really my choice? It was what I've chosen. I went into teaching. I wanted to change the education system. I felt that more can be done to the education system. That is why I wanted to do educational psychology. That was my belief at that time. I wanted to be in the ministry to make changes to the whole system. What issues did I have with the system at that time? I really can't remember. I am sure I was dissatisfied. I felt that it didn't develop our interest. It didn't support our passion. Fixated. I wanted to help. Is this really what I want to do? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? I am not sure. I am not sure. I am not sure. I want to live life as who I am. Not a people pleaser. Just be a person with my own thoughts and opinions. Not manipulated by others. I am sick and tired of this life always checking always pleasing. I want to be guided by my principles and beliefs. What are my principles and beliefs? Not sure. I am upset when I overeat. I have lost control. Then I eat some more. Hoping to find some solace in food. But only to feel bad and in turn affect those around me, my wife, my children. Unfortunately, I am weak. I feed on others weakness. I feel weak in other's strength and goodness. I feel inferior, unworthy. I use my emotions swings to escape from work. I escape from work and dealing with things because I am afraid that I wouldn't do well. My underlying belief is that I am no good. I am inferior. I am a child. I cannot handle things. I am immature. I lack security. I am afraid. I get jealous. I get upset. I dominate. Because I am insecure. I am not worthy. I am not good. I am useless. I need to accept. Mindful. Breathing. Aware. it's time to give up my current life and relive my life afresh. I need to be guided my principles and beliefs. My belief is that I am not as smart as others as such I need to work harder. Do more.
No comments:
Post a Comment