When our children first enter our lives, we were happy and looked forward to their arrival. Excited to see the product of our creation, a new lease of life and a new addition to the family. We would buy things and prepare ourselves by reading books, buying baby accessories, thinking about how to mange the child etc. Every scan, every visit to the doctor was one of awe and intrigue. Even the day of delivery was one of uncertainty.
I have learnt a lot about myself over time. How much we are willing to do for our child. Cleaning up after them, making sure that they are well taken care of and so on. But in the process i have realised how the experience as a father has changed me, not to be more patient, not to be more tolerant of mistake, not to be more caring and paying more attention to details but rather it had made me into a monster. I have hit my children, i have scolded them, i have vent my anger and frustration on them, not always but at times. I realised that my fuse has become shorter, i can tolerate less mistakes and nonsense. In reality, that is not so. But rather, that could have always been my nature that i so conveniently overlooked. It was only through this experience as a father that i have realised what kind of a person i am. I have always been behind a facade, trying always to please others and trying to be nice and kind to everyone but in reality i am a selfish individual who does thing to feed my ego and image. This experience as a father has revealed to me the real me. The person whom i am. The person who is really more concern about himself than others. That is probably why i am always so impatient with my children. I don't have to please them, i don't have to put up a front, i dominate. The reality of matter is that, i am doing what i am suppose to do. I am not doing what i want to do. Often, we live by the expectation of others and sometimes the expectations that have been put forth onto us consciously or unconsciously. Societal comparison, familial expecatation and comparison, all drives our behaviour. What is important, i guess, is to understand the true nature of being, in humanity, that is, firstly, people want to be loved, secondly, they want to be recognised, thirdly, they do not want to suffer either physical or mentally, and finally, they want to have peace. As a father, i shouldn't be doing or acting to please another but rather to really think about how my action can help my child to develop self-confidence, to have self-assurance, to feel the love in the family, to be ready to deal with life as a responsible individual striving not just for survivor but also to be compassionate towards others. Perhaps these too are expectations but they are really something that can help them to lead life meaningfully and not blindly.
I somehow must learn to be more mindful and remind myself constantly to develop the true love for another but not be driven by roles and expectation. I must learn to empathize not just with others but even my children and close ones. I must learn to love and to feel for another not because I need to but rather I want to. Maybe, I have not been the best father but it certainly reminded me that I am just a human striving to make sense of my existence. Maybe we don't need any grandiose ideas or any expectation and create more labels along the way but rather to just be a practitioner on the path and exerting the effort to practise to be mindful, to love, to empathize, to share the joy of others as they experience them. That is all.
Can I really love another? Or I really only love myself? I am not sure but I am determine to find out. Anyway, is it really that important?
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