Fear

Where is our fear? Why am i so concern about what others think of me? I feed on the attention of others. Attention tells me who i am. I am not sure who i am. i obtain my identify through pleasing others. when i no longer live up to the expectation of others, i'll retreat. I'll run away. I am afraid to fail. I define myself through my successes. Fortitude and good fortune. I doubt my abilities. I AM USELESS. I am helpless. I don't think I am great or Have I done anything that is commendable. All I did was what others want me to do. I really have no goals in life no direction.

However, the reality of matter is that this is part of human existence. Pride. Shame. Gain.  Lost.  Shifting between states brings about suffering. Not reaching, not attaining, not doing. Action outcome. Interactions. Results fruitation effects desires craving attachment.  Lost. Stagnant. Drifter. Aimless. Pointless. Useless. Not moving. Not trying. Not driven. Aware of consequences. Aware of importance. Waiting to fail. Too comfortable. Need to wake up. Need to see the importance. Relevance. Impact. Consequences. Running not going to help. Waiting for things to happen. Not making things happen. What's to come? Is it today? is it now? what drives you? What do you want?

Living a illusionary life

Have been thinking how life has been so illusionary. How this life is not been one that I hold true and genuine. I live my life with little or no direction. All I was doing is doing what others wants me to.  Pleasing others. That was my belief. Making others like me makes me who I am. I want to be liked. That is what I am. I want to be the centre of attention. I desired to be be acknowledged as a 'good person. A 'good' boy. In reality, that is how I survive. I have no directions. I do not know what I want. Who am I really? I am at a loss now. No one telling me what to do and where to go? I am selfish. I feed my ego. I think about my welfare. I don't really think about others. Rather I am more concern about what others think of me. Feeding my ego. I want to be good, look good, do good. Is that really what I want to do? Deep within me, I feel useless,  worthless and not deserving of love. What do I really want? Is psychology really my choice? It was what I've chosen. I went into teaching. I wanted to change the education system. I felt that more can be done to the education system. That is why I wanted to do educational psychology. That was my belief at that time. I wanted to be in the ministry to make changes to the whole system. What issues did I have with the system at that time? I really can't remember. I am sure I was dissatisfied. I felt that it didn't develop our interest. It didn't support our passion. Fixated. I wanted to help. Is this really what I want to do? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? I am not sure. I am not sure. I am not sure. I want to live life as who I am. Not a people pleaser. Just be a person with my own thoughts and opinions. Not manipulated by others. I am sick and tired of this life always checking always pleasing. I want to be guided by my principles and beliefs. What are my principles and beliefs? Not sure. I am upset when I overeat. I have lost control. Then I eat some more. Hoping to find some solace in food. But only to feel bad and in turn affect those around me, my wife, my children. Unfortunately, I am weak. I feed on others weakness. I feel weak in other's strength and goodness. I feel inferior, unworthy. I use my emotions swings to escape from work. I escape from work and dealing with things because I am afraid that I wouldn't do well. My underlying belief is that I am no good. I am inferior. I am a child. I cannot handle things. I am immature. I lack security. I am afraid. I get jealous. I get upset. I dominate. Because I am insecure. I am not worthy. I am not good. I am useless. I need to accept. Mindful. Breathing. Aware. it's time to give up my current life and relive my life afresh. I need to be guided my  principles and beliefs. My belief is that I am not as smart as others as such I need to work harder. Do more.

Nothing interest me

Tired. Nothing really interest me. Not wanting to complete my dissertation. Not wanting to prepare for work. Don't want to work. Don't want to do anything. Wasted. No drive. No interest. Nothing. Life draws to a blank. No purpose. No matter how precious life is. No matter how rare this opportunity is. I'm again at a lost. Not sure why I'm feeling this way but how it goes. Just lost the meaning and drive to life. Somehow, with that I realise how it must have been for peopl who too lost that meaning and direction in life. All their life they pursue one thing after another. They maintain and take care of the responsibilities that they have only to realise that that too will pass. Every fleeting moment continues whatever it is that you do. Lost. Lost the sense of purpose. No direction, no way, no light at the end of the tunnel. Really. Don't care. I'm not in touch with reality. Wasting.. wasting... wasted. U turn. Now.

What am I to do. Fullfil your responsibilities. This is the time to prepare for what is to come. This is the time to get ready for the next leg of your life. This is the time to accumulate and to strength the practise. Maybe the purpose is lost but the emptiness can still be filled with new purpose. To give one's life to the triple jem. To devote one's life to the practice. I take refuge in the buddha, the dharma and the sangha. I take refuge in my guru who's compassion is unparalleled to anyone. My guru who devoted his life to helping countless sentient being to escape from samsara in the three time. Bodhichita. How. Schedule. Goal setting. Realignment. What is your mission in life? Something to think about again. Relive. Revive. Challenges lies ahead of me but I can overcome it. With the right attitude. With the right motivation. It really doesn't matter what is the end but somehow getting there eventually.

Well, ready, set go. 

The missing link

Tiredness is what I'm  feeling. What is the cause of this fatigue? Is it laziness or a lack of direction in life. There are many things that needs to be done. There are many things that can be done but then again why is it that I just don't feel like doing anything. Often distracted by things of less importance. Nitty gritties fill my precious human life. Thinking that I have done so much only to realise that they are no more than chores. Like a headless chicken running around, not knowing what to do but only to wait for the life to be exhausted. I guess doing something is often better than not doing anything at all. Lying there, after lunch, with eyes glued to the screen. Tired...tired... tired... am I really? Or is it laziness. Thinking that I can do it later. Still have time. Don't worry. It's a struggle. Still is a struggle. Struggling. Reflect, reflect, reflect... precious human life, limited, uncertain, definite. One chance. NOW. there is space. do what is right. what is necessary. what is important. a job. gives meaning. gives purpose. but in the end, it's the end. unless you make sense of it. survival. purpose. to serve. others. with compassion. only one chance. is it now or just a dream. too idealistic. maybe just start. never really important. take the walk. make sense. make my life make sense. connect. link. perhaps. maybe. possible. fear. lonliness. mediate. connection. universe. one. same. suffering. end of suffering. end of life. cycle. striving. walk the path. morality. concentration. wisdom. what is? who cares. labels. breathe. mindful. disintegrate. slowly. realising. the truth. mediate on the path. I do not fear death. I fear not living. I am. I am not. Not I.