Sunday, August 4, 2013

At peace with the self

How can I be at peace with myself? Burdened by the past and worried about the future. Worried about the potential lost? A lost of control?  A lost of self confidence? I do not feel competent no more. Helpless. What was it? Is it failing to be good at my job? Is it about losing my first love? Is it a combination of factor? Have I really failed? Have I made all the bad decisions?

I want to be at peace with myself. I want to accept the situation that I am in. I must accept my failures. I must accept my strengths. I must accept my fears. I may not overcome all my fears but I can recognise their existence. I know my strength and I will use it to help me find peace. I might have failed but I know my failures do not define who I am, but rather they are what I have done. They are outcomes, driven by actions, given the conditions. They are not me. Success is not me, just like failures. Why then do success make me happy and failures upset me if they are not me. Be Contented with what I have and Appreciate them.

Actions beats inactions. Actions results in outcomes. Inactions results in outcomes. But the outcomes are different. Remember - Morality, Mindfulness, Concentration, impermenant, unsatisfactorily, not self.

It doesn't matter if the outcomes are not what I expect. At least I have taken a step. I have progressed. No need to think too much about what has not happened. Live in the moment. Contentment, appreciation, understanading. Detactment, non-judgemental, acceptance. Follow the breath, like a spider that moves back to the centre of his web. Practise NOW. Settle your mind. Be at peace with yourself. You do not have to be this or that. You just be. It is you. Just be.

Monday, June 3, 2013

42.195

Is 42.195 just another number? Some see this as a challenge, an obstacle, a goal, a chance, a new beginning. There are those who see it as something impossible. Some see it as something terrible. Some see it as something unnescessary. But that day, what I saw was aspiratons, determination and a belief. They came for a reason and that is 42.195. They trained hard. They managed their diets, sleep and organised their schedules so that they can conquer 42.195. Every one started off at the same starting line. Some were allowed to go first as they had proven to be better. There were also those who believed that they can do as well, they were also nearer to the starting line but there were those who just came to want to settle their scores with 42.195. Along the way, you will see many who will drop out and admit defeat to 42.195. Some were prepared but some were not. Some were taken down by injuries and some by a lack of determination but whatever the reason, some just couldn't overcome 42.195. There were those who reached the goal before everyone. Naturally endowed, guided, and importantly, trained hard to not just to complete but to compete. Some compete to see who is the best, some to better themselves but whatever the reason, the aim is simple, 'can i be better?' Then there are those who started off enthusiastic, fast and determined. They tried following the 'seasoned' ones but only to end up burning out. Exhausted and overly strained, some could not continue because of injuries but some could but only at a much poorer pace. Thinking that by following the seasoned ones, I can be just like them without first considering and understanding how and why the 'seasoned' ones are what they are today. There are those who started off slow but continued with their pace, catching up with many others and eventually reaching their goals. Some needed detours, just to unload, just to refuel but what ever it is, it is not something to be done alone. You need help, some one to provide you with the fuel, the place for you to unload, some encouragements and even some criticisms with positive intent but whatever it is, you can't conquer 42.195 alone, it was never meant to be so. There are some who enjoyed the journey, smell the flowers and bath in the sun, but there are those who are oblivious to all and only have the end in mind. They do reach their goals and the reward is beating the clock and the satisfaction of completing but what happened to the journey? Hours of training, preparation and toil only for that sense of accomplishment? Why can't we enjoy the journey, to see the humanity, the beauty of the moments that went by as we toiled during our journey? Is it all suffering? Is there nothing  more? The love, the sacrifices, the preparations, the joy and the estacy, or the tears, the pain, the suffering and how help came along, the care and concern, the help and support that came about and the much needed 'pull me up' and 'push me on' and all these will be missed if it is just 42.195, a number, and end in itself.

Some went as a pack, some broke away to reach the end faster leaving the pack with their permissions. Some continued on with the pack no matter if they were stronger so as to encourage others to go along. Some joked, some remind them about the goal, some remind them about how they got here but ultimately they are there to guide them to the end. Some did it quietly without letting others know, others made it clear that they can help them reach their goal if they followed their pace and nothing else. They didn't care about who followed but just continued with their pace. Many followed. Some ultimately reached the goals but some just had to stop as they no longer can keep up with the pace.

Some went really fast, and slowed to a crawl but some just went on and on without stopping, at a comfortable pace. Yes, mind can overcome fatigue, pain, injury but some times pushing too hard often lead to dire consequences such as long term injuries. Hence, know where to draw the line takes wisdom. Self awareness is important. Discipline is necessary. It is after all 42.195.

42.195 meant family, love, humanity, possiblity and hope to me. It reminded me why it was there. It remined me what it was for. It reminded me what it had done. It was not just about past, it is not about the future, it is about now. You really do not know if you can complete the journey the way you visualise it to be, you mustn't keep thinking about how things were and how it should be, you just have to do it. How would you know until you try? All my daughter wanted was the medal. All my wife wanted was a safe return. All my son wanted was his cars. But to me it meant finishing it, it meant moderation and it meant love, support, trust and belief.

Don't forget about interdependency, don't forget about equanimity, don't forget about the joy and the empathy and to rejoice in the joys of others and not to drown in one's own accomplishmets. Without the elements of nature, without the support of many directly or indirectly, without know the balance, without enjoying and remembering the good times, without feeling the pains of those who had to stop and the happiness in those who have completed, it would have all been 42.195.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Connected or disconnected?

It's been awhile since I have written in the blog. Just felt pretty disconnected with the world lately. It's been back to the shell again, escaping and a lost of direction. A void that needs to be filled.

How often do we really connect with the environment and those around us? Trapped by the devices that 'çonnects' us to the 'world'. Today I had an insight into how shallow we have become over time. I was totally taken aback when I realise that something that was posted on the net was taken to be fact only to discover that it was part of an ad compaign of a company. I realised how naive we have become to take information as it is without finding out more about them and sharing these information with others. This is ever so misleading. I have learnt an important lesson from this, do not take information as it is. Verify the realiability of the source, find additional information that supports or disconfirm the information, think about the line of arguement, the logic and also the assumptions made and the possible explanations behind observation and thoughts. Do not accept things just it has been said, ehi passiko - come and see - experience it.

Next, how much have we become disconnected with the people and things around us. Have we smelt the flowers or tasted the candies? We often feel connect with many through social media channels sharing our thoughts discussing about things we can do but in the midst of these, we have forgotten the people around us who craves for our attention. Maybe after awhile, communication have been reduce to a mere 160 characters or short comments and remarks, often lacking depth, superficial. Some supporters of the new media would argue otherwise. 'We can share our thoughts, feelings anytime and anywhere. We can have as much depth as we desire.' Perhaps so but thoughts sharing, face to face communication, body language, tone, environment are all factors that make up a conversation. But importantly, are we excluding the things and people around us? Are we really aware of what we are doing? Communication takes effort, time and courage. To disclose our thoughts for criticism, to disclose our vulnerability to others, to remove the facet and be the person that you really are, that takes time and courage. Why do we engage in conversation? It is to share and to reconnect with ourselves, our geninue being of a collective. The need to be human and feel human.

The realisation first came when I went for a run. Armed with an earphone, my smartphone that logs all the distance, pace and time that I have taken, I went running. I enjoyed the music and the regular updates of the distance, time and pace. Then I have decided to remove the earphones and I started to see what was around me, what I have missed all these while when I was plugged in. I enjoyed the breeze , the experience, the others who were plugged in, smiling, talking with their friends. The sound of insects, lizards, cars and many other background noises. I feel one with the world again. The colours of life, the scent, the sound of it all came alive when I decided to unplug.

Some times, we are plugged in so as to escape. To retreat into a place so as to get away from an aversive or undesireable situation. We need space, personal space or an excuse to run away? How do we distinguish space from escape, the choice of when we do what we do. If you find yourself doing certain escapist acts during certain situations that are most often unplanned, you are sure that these are your escape plans. The signal it sends, 'I rather not be here, I rather be somewhere else doing something else, let me be.'

Think about it. Have a conversation, speak  and listen with your heart and make it real for you and those you love. Include them.